St. Cuthbert's Way Day Four: Second Chances

            Walking takes you out of your well-ordered, cozy comfort zone and throws random events at you like confetti or like a sun shower.  Sometimes those events take on a kind of pattern that can suggest destiny or some sort of moral about the way life is.  Two quick examples.  On my first day of walking, the way wound along the River Tweed for a few miles.  The water moved rapidly and my pace quickened, too, despite having to push my way through dense clusters of fireweed.  I slowed only for pleasant exchanges with trout fisherman and local dog walkers.  I stopped for several minutes though when I ran into two middle-aged ladies standing still in the middle of the path admiring a very beautiful butterfly.  Its wings were orange with accents of violet, but the stand-out feature were the four circles that looked like open eyes with blue and purple irises around black centers.  The women were marveling at how close the creature allowed them to get, and they were taking pictures with their phones.  I joined the group, but when I tried to bend down and position my phone to get the best possible shot, the water bottle I’d been carrying in one hand slipped, fell, and frightened the butterfly away.  I was annoyed at myself for being such a klutz.  Weirdly, by the end of that first long day, another of the same kind of butterfly was basking on a leaf just waiting for me to eye him.  I felt like the recipient of two blessings:  a second chance to see the same kind of butterfly and a message from the world at large.  Nothing is final or over.  Life circles around.  Flit from beauty to beauty and you will have chances to correct, to see better, to understand.  There was that.  Then, this.  I woke up in Wooler and before beginning my walk, I ducked into St. Mary’s Church to see a photo exhibit on spirituality and landscape which I enjoyed very much.  Someone had done what I was doing—collecting stones, leaves, and grasses and writing love letters to woods, hills, water, dark skies.  The nice things distinguished men said about landscape and walking, men like John Muir, Albert Einstein, Henry David Thoreau, and Robert Louis Stevenson were printed on cards around the church.  When I’d had my fill of looking, I lifted my eyes to hills visible through the lead-paned glass, and in a petal-shaped panel, there was Robin!  What is the world telling me?  Will he be in my future?  Whether or not, I knew I’d be bumping into him and his companions on the trail, and I would have to balance solitude with sociability.  Even trickier, I’d have the chance to feel things and maybe even express my feelings.

            The mix of clouds and sun, of moorlands and farmlands, of fern, heather, and gorse, of naked hills and darker pine plantations sliding down them was a feast for the eyes.  I felt happy and free and walked Weetwood Moor alone, seeing no one, save for a couple of Russian girls wearing flimsy rain ponchos that the wind whipped around their heads.  They were looking for the ancient stones said to be hiding in the heather, cup and ring-marked rocks, and they had a lap top out that they were using to navigate.  They didn’t seem to be on any Way but were out only to find these particular stones.  We spoke briefly and I climbed over a stile and went on.   All was peace.  The rain in the air made the distances misty, and I gave little thought to my worries about the men or anyone else.  My mind was on Cuthbert and answering the question posed by the exhibit, “how does it feel to walk in the footsteps of the Northern Saints.”  How does it feel?  What can we learn about Cuthbert’s life by walking the hills he walked, leaning on the good shepherd and even the sheep, having visions, feeling the tension between the bliss of solitude and the need to serve.

            Eventually, I saw the group of men in the yellow distance, and slowly I began to rely on them for direction.  My attention slackened and my thoughts turned to Robin.  Then they paused by a gate, considering the way, and I caught up with them.  We chatted about the Russians and began to move forward.  Once I’d joined them, I stopped trying to find my own way, and, funnily enough we all got lost.  A missed turn took us out onto paved roads and we wound up walking an extra mile or two.  Some of the time, I walked with Robin, chatting about teaching and writing and walking.  He grew bored or felt he needed to stay with his group, and I found myself talking to and walking with a 70-some retired Danish vet, Ed.  This was not the way I wanted to walk.  I missed my own ruminations.  I missed the company of the plants and animals.  I told the guys that I’d stay with them until we found the way.  Once we did, I said goodbye and bolted ahead.  My attempt to talk to Robin had failed.  I felt my spirits flag, and, worse, I felt my mind turn onto the familiar road of self-criticism:  not attractive, not clever, not  not not.  Negativity.  But the physical act of walking and looking brought me back to my own natural buoyancy.  I quickly forgot about Robin and the rest, and I took the incident as a lesson about not giving up on oneself and not becoming a follower.  Followers get lost literally, and, worse, they lose the joy of the Way.

            The destination of the day was Cuthbert’s cave.  This is the one stop on the route associated with Cuthbert’s life.  Legends are contradictory:  one suggests that Cuthbert used the cave during his young life as a shepherd and another one claims that the monks, who carried his body away from the coast when Vikings invaded, stopped in the cave to rest.  The cave is eroded from a cliff of yellow sandstone, and it is set uphill in an ancient pine forest.  A line of pines across the top of the cave look like sentries or angels.  There was an English couple around the cave taking pictures and a picnicking family with kids bicycled up to it, but since I had no acquaintance with these people, they did not trouble me.  I explored around the cave and then remembered my host in the Wooler B & B said to be sure to scramble up the rock outcrop behind the cave for the view of where you’ve come from and where you are going.  I did.  Ferns and heather beyond the woods.  A wire fence.  Stiles.  Finally, bare rock.  On top, there was a view of the sea!!!  And I could actually see the tiny little “sand-castle” looking thing on a tongue of land.  Lindisfarne!  I was surprised at how close I was to the ocean.  From here, it looked like just a couple of fields away.  Charcoal smudges in the distance suggested rain.  But nothing could dampen my spirits up there on the high rocks looking at the blue water melting into the blue air—and Lindisfarne!  I felt free and joyful. 

Heading back to the cave, descending along the wood path, there were the guys, leaning against the boulder in front of the gaping mouth.  They were eating and drinking.  I guess this was their lunch stop.  I waved and approached.  One of the Danes offered me a capful of liqueur, and I slugged it back and asked for more.  Robin offered me a granola bar and, when I complained about being almost out of battery power, he pulled out a solar cell and offered to “give me power.”  It was a light and sociable meeting.  “Mary Jo …,” began Robin, “I’ve been wondering why the monks would carry around a Cuthbert’s dead body.”  His other question involved a misunderstanding of the place of the monastery in the community, “how could the monks think it was okay for the local population to support their life on contemplation?”  did they?  That was not my understanding.  I thought that monasteries were highly entrepreneurial and good for the community.  Maybe I was wrong.  But I was still chewing over Robin’s question of yesterday, “Wasn’t Cuthbert a very extreme person?”  Disagreement stimulated thought.  Conversation pushed me to think harder and opened up byways of thought that I needed to explore.  Mostly though, it stimulated me to want to present my own views intelligibly and beautifully to others.  The meeting was warm and filling.  Photos were taken.  They wanted to photograph me.  One of the Danes noted with satisfaction that having reached the cave, they had accomplished the purpose of the day; and his remark forced me to pause and to assent.  I, too, had had a glimpse of the under glimmer of things:  the inside of the rock, yes, but also the joy that is possible in sharing, even simple food and drink and ideas, with complete strangers.  They took the high road and I went back to the Way, reluctant to become just a follower.  But I still got momentarily lost—confused by my interest in them and their direction, and I had to make my way through a field of animals and climb a fence that wasn’t in the book.  But when I found the path and read that I was to turn left at a fork “signed Holburn,” I knew that the men ahead of me, who’d turned right, were once again, off course. 

            Walking alone toward the village, I felt that I had taken a big step forward in personal growth.  I had joined a human group (accepted an invitation) and also remained on my own Way.  Did Cuthbert experience the same tensions that I experienced?  I wondered. He was a gregarious jokester of a youth who was told by a child that he had to straighten up.  He went into a monastic community but sought places of solitude by walking to far-flung communities to preach.  Eventually, he retreated to Lindisfarne (Aidan’s island), and from there, he went further and further out to sea:  to Cuthbert’s island (a sand bar off Lindisfarne) and, finally, to Farne where angels helped him build a high-walled cell.  He was called off Farne, out of isolation, to become a Bishop.  Very reluctantly, he agreed.  His stint as Bishop lasted only two years.  This was definitely not a man who was “extreme.”  His was a human life of paradoxes, pulls in contradictory directions, and accommodations.  What about love?  I wonder what Cuthbert did with his human desires.

            He had friendships with several noblewomen who were also Abbesses of local convents.  The princess, Ebbe, was one such.  She invited Cuthbert to Coldingham, located on the coast just norther of what today is the Scottish border.  The monastery at Coldingham housed both men and women and, due to the noble backgrounds of the members, it was a place for eating, drinking, and entertainment.  I’ve read that the monks and nuns in this place were very lax and worldly.  This place was the setting for one of Cuthbert’s most iconic miracles.  At night, he walked down to the sea (perhaps to get away from the partying), immersed himself up to his neck and began to pray and sing psalms in the sea as waves rose up but didn’t swallow him up.  When he came up on shore in the morning, otters bounded out of the sea and rubbed themselves all over Cuthbert’s feet to dry them.  Miracle?

            After the day I’d had, I felt I understood Cuthbert’s desire for immersion in nature as an antidote to the aches and pains human life causes, and I wondered if he, too, felt compromised by his own experience of desire.  Perhaps he was attracted to Ebbe.  Perhaps he was tempted by the luxuries of her monastery.  From the hilltop, the sea looked so close, but the walk along hedgerows and through patches of forest in rain and mud to Fenwick (Fennick) was joyful.  Before the rain came, down in the grass before me, was the orange butterfly with eyes.  Second chances.  I bent down to marvel and looked right into those eyes.  Back home in America I find a “Butterflies of Scotland” website and learn the name for it: “Peacock butterfly.”  The site includes legends about butterflies and notes that some people believe eyes on butterflies means they are “God’s spies.”  I understand that, but what I jotted down in the tiny notebook tucked into my money belt was this:  “if we open all the eyes of our senses, we can fly.”

St. Cuthbert's Way Day Three: Tale-telling

                         “We have at least as complicated a relationship with ourselves

                                   as we do with the rest of the environment.”

            Pilgrimages in literature involve storytelling—The Canterbury Tales and Pilgrim’s Progress.  I woke on the third day of my pilgrimage wondering whether I could discern a story without imposing one on my walk.  There were knots in my life that I was hoping walking would untie—the loss of Mom, the lacks in my marriage; and, although I didn’t place these problems in the front of my mind—I just walked—I wondered if I would wend my way to a solution. 

            I walked through the tiny village of Kirk Yetholm on the lane, heading east, past the cottage where the last gypsy king was “crowned” in 1898.  It was an unassuming white house with black shutters.  (There’s a story here.)  The road went along up and down for a couple of miles next to farms.  As I passed a field, I greeted a black and white horse, who responded by walking to the fence to meet me.  

I stroked his white nose and picked bunches of wet green grass and clover.  He moved his flesh-colored lips, nuzzling my cupped palms, and the grasses disappeared quickly.  Contact of such a sensuous kind—movement of mouth tickling palms—was rare in my life.  I was aware of liking it and of needing it.  When I prepared to go, the horse followed me along the fence.  It was as if he was offering to go along with me.  For a moment, I wondered what it would be like to mount him and take the hills by storm, up and down, letting his animal knowledge of the land shapes guide me.  And sheep were everywhere on the third day of the pilgrimage.  Lambs in August are nearly the size of ewes, yet they still want to suckle, and pull hard on the teats.  The ewes looked annoyed or tired, yet I saw one that rested her head on the back of her “baby” while she eyed me suspiciously.  They retained their places if I kept moving but leapt away if I stopped to look at them.  Shy or wild.  Perhaps shyness, even in humans, is an effort to preserve wildness.  I shared that quality with the sheep I “met” just as I was sharing with them the narrow paths made through upland hills and moors by hooves and boots.  “On foot everything stays connected” and “one lives in the whole world rather than in interiors built up against it.” When the going got rough or lonely, I would pick up a piece of wool and smell it, fondle it, and pray a few lines of the 23^rd psalm which seemed to come to life here more than it ever had when I heard it inside a church.

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures

He leads me beside still waters,

He restores my soul

He leads me in the right paths

Today of all days, I needed leading and I needed to be able to lean on the Lord.  The guidebook noted that Day 3 was the toughest day with boggy and “indistinct” sections and tiny paths nearly overgrown by the blooming heather—bell heather (pink/orange blossoms) and the “regular” heather with the purple flowers.  Losing the way (when the description in the book no longer made sense), I would feel afraid and pray, look for footprints, clutch my sheep’s wool, and hope against hope that I would see the circular waymark with the Cuthbert cross on the next gate or stile.  Usually, I did.

            “Take the lane uphill, signed Halterburn Penial Revival Centre.  It climbs steeply, then descends to Halter Burn glen.  At the valley floor, bear left along the fence to cross a footbridge with a tall signpost.”  What was a burn?  What was gorse?  What does it mean to “sign” and to “bear”?  The lay of the land and its features told me what such words meant.  But an expression as simple as valley “floor” set my mind working.  If the valley has a floor, then this place is a house or a temple, and as I worked my way up the hill, scattering sheep and flushing red grouse whose wings drummed and voices trebled with “laughter,” I saw the pile of stones on a distant hill that the book called Eccles cairn.  The stones mark either the site of a very old church (Eccles for ecclesia) or the burial site of a prehistoric chieftain.  Sources, like paths, are indistinct.  I left the way despite gathering dark clouds and climbed the naked hill for the view and for the ecstatic feeling I’d had on Wide Open Hill the day before.  When I arrived at the stone pile, I was thinking about Jacob and the dream he had after sleeping on a stone.  He saw a ladder with angels going up and down, and God hovered over him, reassuring him that he would be with him and guide him on the way out and back.  When Jacob wakes up, he is in awe and afraid

How fearsome is this place!

            This can be but the house of God,

                        And this is the gate of heaven

Jacob set up the stone he’d slept on as a pillar and poured oil over its top, and he called the place Bethel.  Jacob had many knots in his life and was going into exile because his brother was murderously angry that he’d stolen his paternal blessing.  Jacob is a cunning strategist, but his exilic pilgrimage is about learning a new way, about relying on the Lord:  “And Jacob made a vow, saying, “If the Lord God be with me and guard me on this way that I am going and give me bread to eat and clothing to wear, and I return safely to my father’s house, then the Lord will be my God.”  He cuts a deal.  He requires God to insure his trip before he is willing to commit fully.  What chutzpah!

            The dream, the cairn, the conversation with the divine—all of these things raised Jacob’s spirits and he sets off—“lifted his feet and went on to the land of the Easterners” where he promptly falls passionately in love with the first lovely shepherdess he sees.  Jacob’s covenant led directly into a love story—the first love story in the Bible:  “And Jacob kissed Rachel and lifted his voice and wept.”  “And Jacob served seven years for Rachel, and they seemed in his eyes but a few days in his love for her.”  Sitting at Eccles Cairn, taking in the views of the Cheviots and the rolling hills of the Scottish borders misty in the distance, I didn’t remember that, for Jacob, love of God seemed to express itself laterally in human love almost immediately.  To say that I was falling in love with Cuthbert and God makes me sound a bit too much like a monk.  But when at home, I live like one studying and sleeping in a tiny cell and inhabiting an absolutely chaste marriage.  Still, I have desires I don’t know what to do with and, therefore, can say with the Japanese traveler and poet, Basho, that I have one foot in the dust of the human world.

            It was somewhere after Hethpool, after the rain came and went, when I followed two English super walkers that had blown by me on the road alongside a red castle.  While I was stumbling up a bank, trying not to get cut with barbed wire for a view of the ruin, they were utterly disinterested.  Far ahead of me, I saw that they were holding hands as they walked.  It was after that that the unexpected happened: I began to meet people.  “Shepherd me, Oh God, beyond my wants, beyond my fears from death into life.”  I thought I wanted to be completely solitary.  I thought that was my way, but, as a priest back in Michigan says, “dear people, we often don’t know what we are praying for, but God sees the whole picture.”  I was climbing again, and the sun was lighting up one hill after another.  I felt very happy and light.  

An enormous black slug appeared.  I remembered seeing a medieval stone basin at Dryburgh Abbey that was carved with lizards.  The blurb, written by some scholar, speculated that lizards, in the serpent-dragon category of creatures, were “evil,” and perhaps the mason sought the symbolic contrast between evil of the lizard and the purity of the water.  

Seeing the black slug, I thought how wrong that was.  My slug wasn’t a lizard, but I found it beautiful anyway.  It comes out after rain when the world is wet.  The mason was probably just making art of things from his own experiences.  Higher yet, the breeze kicked up and began drying things out.  The bunched clouds were broken by paths of blue to match the green ways I was following.  I spotted an old stone sheep enclosure.  It was the perfect place to stop for a rest.  But by this time, there were two women in purple and pink windbreakers walking behind me.  Should I walk faster or slow down and let them pass.  At this point, I did not want human company.  Soon enough though there was another group of men.  Where did they come from?  I felt nothing but annoyance, wishing to be alone.  The women were Swedes, friends who walk pilgrimage routes together every summer.  “Have you done the Camino?” they asked.  As for the men:  there were four of them.  Three were three bright eyed and gray-haired but there was a younger man who seemed to be leading them—tall, lanky, dark-haired, with an almost oriental cast to his eyes.  In the few minutes we walked together, I learned that he was trying to read Middle English and finding it difficult, that he quit dentistry to write fiction, that his tutor told him he needed more of a “story” in the historical fantasies he crafted in the vein of the Hobbit, and that he was teaching an online class for Oxford in creative writing.  When he shook my hand—his hands were large and soft—I laughed, and I heard my laugh like the voice of grouse scattering in flight.  After a bit of talk, I bounded away, footsteps thudding like a frightened calf, but the soft hands and the adorable admissions of his struggle with Chaucer’s English took me by surprise.

            That evening in the town of Wooler, I’d had dinner in the Black Bull pub—the same one I’d sheltered in after coming down from the high places in the rain to have a relaxing lager while Mom (invisible but by my side) had her relaxing cigarette.  When I first came in from the rain hill, people looked scared of me, and I remembered that Moses had to veil his face after being on the mountain.  Dinnertime rolled around, and I returned to the pub with hair combed and settled at a table in the corner to make notes and wrap myself in solitude.  The Swedes came in but chose not to sit with me. 

Afterward I took a short walk around the town, feeling lonelier than I’d felt all day.  I talked to myself:  Why can’t I face the fact that I, too, want a human story?  All the heroines of novels I love and who walk long distances have love stories even when, like Dinah in Adam Bede, they also have vocations.  And for Shakespeare’s Rosalind (the heroine of As You Like It) falling in love is the sport that is the emotional equivalent to going to the forest of Arden.  I thought of the handshake and blushed inwardly at how quickly I could spin a fantasy around this strange man if I wanted to.  Just as I was thinking these things, he appeared, down the street, standing outside of a hotel.  What was his name?  Robin!  Good.  I walked right up to him, and he said, “Didn’t I meet you today on the hill?”  I learned more of his story.  Dentist.  Revolutionized implants.  Colleagues.  Palle, Kai, Edward.  “I hate coming down from the high places to the town,” I confided, testing the waters.  “It breaks the spell, doesn’t it?”  Yes.  Exactly.  I will not write a romance, I told my heart.  Yet there was something irresistibly appealing about having had an experience together and sharing feelings about it.  Simple and profound.  I instantly understood Rosalind’s nervousness when she discovers that Orlando is in the forest, but she’s dressed as a man, “Oh, what shall I do with my doublet and hose?”  But, at the same time, I held onto the sprouting thought that a human connection made while walking might lead somewhere other than a romantic entanglement.

           

St. Cuthbert's Way Day Two: Mountain Message

                                    “A landscape can sing about God, a body about Spirit.”

Animals and man work on the land through the paths they take, the farms they make, their flights on, above, or below the surface.  From any hill, the landscape appears as a patchwork quilt with squares of greens and squares of gold—plantations of trees and fields of wheat and barley.  I look at the land like a painting when I am standing still, but when I am walking, I am less aware of any composition than I am of making another line to add to the vast system of moving, squiggling, dancing lines:  a fish leaps, a buzzard lifts off in flight, diagonal shafts of rain sweep the hills in the blue-gray distance, I walk field-edges, hedgerows, and ridge lines.  I push through the tall stems and curling stems, and am touched by the wet silks of spiders.  On the hills, I walk the same paths used by sheep and wild goats.  As creatures in motion, we add to this calligraphy and, sometimes if we’re given the grace, illuminate the manuscript. 

            An Englishwoman walker warned me at breakfast that I would need to get to Morebattle and “gather my strength” because the hill (“Wide Open Hill”) was a “proper climb.”  It is the highest point on the Way, and it consists of at least three “cols” or summits.  But the morning walk was too wonderful to worry.  The steady wind at my back was a constant reminder that wind in the Bible is often compared to the Spirit that blows where it will or, as Genesis 1 has it, “a wind from God swept over the face of the waters.”  My thoughts of other worlds, too, kept me company.  I was very aware of being in proximate relationship (just next to) an entirely different reality.  While in the forest—pine with fern understory or beech with clusters of bluebells around mossy roots—if you look left or right or if you pull your eyes away from the fascinating particulars to peer over the stone wall, you will see a bright world of golden grain rippling like water.  It’s no wonder legends sprang up here about fairies in the woods (“out of this wood do not desire to go”) or of the people that live under the Eildon Hills.  Sunshine percolates the tightly bound bales of hay, turning it to energy for animals, and this is the image I sit with as I drink my golden lager (“free for walkers”) at the pub in Morebattle.  The pub is perched just on the edge of a small hill before the road dips down into a very low valley that runs along at the base of the huge green slope that I am going to climb.

            To modern ears, the name “Morebattle,” conjures up images of archaic fighting or some kind of heroic effort.  The Englishwoman, Katie, certainly spoke about the hill as if it were a test that she had not passed.  “It flattened me.  I was very weak.”  But this place had once been an outpost of Lindisfarne, and there had also once been a lake or loch nearby (now the trough before the hill that is rich, green pastureland).  “Mere” and “botl” combined is “Morebattle,” and it means building by a lake.  The ancient landscape of blue waters between the breasts of hills, flowing into crevices and filling valleys, is female and familiar from the Adirondack Mountains of my home in New York state.  Indian Lake, where I grew up, is surrounded by very high mountains, much higher than Wide Open Hill.  Thus, I felt no need to prepare for battle.  If anything, I felt like I was heading home.

            I approached the hill by crossing through a field of black cows and sheep with black faces, and I skirted a hedge of prickly bushes on which sheep wool was caught and drying in the wind.  I pulled some wool off the briars and held onto it throughout the climb to remind myself that I would be led, would be given the strength I lacked, that I didn’t need to try too hard.  The path (pressed-down green grass) sailed above the pastures and followed a serpentine stone wall.  I moved forward and up … and up, trying to discern whether the wind had its own voice.  I would tell myself that I couldn’t stop and look back until I’d reached a particular rise.  Keep moving into the sky past the cows, past the sheep, into the wind.  I always cheated though, unable to resist the view, unable not to pause (“shelah”) to take in all the beauty.  Each time I reached what I thought was a summit, another green mountain would appear with a path beckoning me on.  I breathed and the wind whispered, “sh, sh, she,” like a calming voice.  The moving shadows of clouds and the wind at my back kept me going.  “Crackin day isn’t it,” quipped a delighted Dad with his two boys and wife who were heading down.  By the time I got to the top, the few walkers were gone.  I was alone and sunk down to rest with my back against my walking buddy, the stone wall that had been by my side all the way up.  Support.

            I had left the quilt made by man’s hands below and left the herds.  I let the velvet hills, the heathery moorland swatches and the wind flow over me without trying to analyze its moods.  Sitting there, I knew that my mother’s soul was happy in some such place.  This is Heaven.  Mom is here (or there) in cool air, warm sun, feeling connected to everything without effort.  I listened to the wind speak, and then, suddenly, just before my eyes, a hawk hovered, facing into the wind (like me) and held himself or herself almost perfectly still in the air, halted in the presence of a commanding majesty.  An occasional beat of wings was all she needed to steady herself.  My own heartbeat slowed.  Together, we gave ourselves to the air and hung there in blissful stillness transfixed by the green mountain.

            As I descend, the wind is less noisy and not as cold.  The happy sounds of the herds return and the human scene takes shape—farmyard, clumps of trees, tractors, men.  I understand that here below there is so much we can choose to focus on.  Not so above where phenomena choose us (or so it seems).  Take the hawk.  It didn’t have to perform its trick of floating on the air just for me.  But it did.  Twice or thrice even.  Cuthbert understood birds as special helpers.  If an eagle left a piece of dolphin meat on shore, it was God who had directed the bird to do so to feed a hungry monk.  Perhaps the hawk was my mountaintop message not to try so hard but to let the spirit lift me up.  If you surrender to the air, you can ride it.

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            Almost a full week later, plodding along the pavement in London, hoping I am still marked by my experience on Wide Open Hill, I enter the open door of a church in South Kensington.  I can’t stop walking and am headed from Hammersmith to the British Museum—at least a seven-mile mini-pilgrimage across the whole of metropolitan London—to see the Lindisfarne gospels.  The gospel from Matthew read at the mass is about Jesus’ walking theology.  Call it that.  He is teaching the disciples that he will have to die but will rise again.  Then they come into Capernaum and are harassed about paying the temple tax.  From theology to taxes.  That is the declension all walkers must make when their journeys bring them back from hills to the petty paces of town and city, from crosses in the landscape to crosses nailed to the interior walls of church buildings.  So as not to cause offense, Jesus tells Peter to go down to the lake, throw out a line.  In the mouth of the fish he will catch, there will be a coin twice the value of the temple tax.  Don’t try so hard.  Don’t worry.  And, most of all, do not let the petty ways of man divert you from the Way you have walked.  Your face is still glowing from what you saw in the high place.  Write hawk with quill pen or clicking computer keys, imagine a face and feathers on the letter "H," and make a new and very real path on the desert of the page.    

St. Cuthbert's Way Day One: Beginning

One doesn’t go to Melrose half-heartedly.  Cuthbert, arguably the most important of the northern (striding) saints was a shepherd before he entered the monastery, and he journeyed to Melrose only after he’d had a vision of a bright light ascending to heaven and learned the next day that it must have been the soul of the Celtic priest Aidan, who’d founded the monastery at Lindisfarne, and who had died on the night of Cuthbert’s vision.  The heart of Robert the Bruce, the medieval chieftain who unified Scotland, is buried in the ruins of Melrose Abbey.  From Edinburgh I rode in the front on top of a double-decker red bus through the little towns and along streams, watching the beautiful country roll out on all sides of me, eager to be walking through it and seeing it all up close.  I’d longed for this pilgrimage for several years, but I’d been immobilized by an abusive relationship, by my own anxieties, and by my mother’s failing health.  My mother’ soul departed in May right as I was supposed to begin the walk, and, of course, I postponed it.  Now I had the additional burden of grief to carry with me to Holy Island.  I got off the bus and headed to the abbey after dropping my bag at the B&B.  I climbed the tower and looked out for the pig and dog gargoyle, but the sculpture that impressed me most was the open-mouthed face, hanging out over a corner molding, saying “OH!” in terror at the height, in awe at the beautiful landscape, or in song to the Lord of blue sky.  Though my feet were on the ground between the River Tweed and the Eildon Hills, my mouth was open just as wide.

           Melrose to Lindisfarne is not a traditional pilgrimage route like the Camino de Santiago de Compostela.  It was laid out in 1995 to commemorate important places in Cuthbert’s life as well as its progression from shepherding to entering the monastery to walking the hills to far flung settlements in the borders to preach the gospel.  Cuthbert lived the tension between serving and loving people to wanting to be alone with God; and Lindisfarne (cut off from the mainland by tides twice daily) seemed to symbolize life on the edge of eternity.  But even Lindisfarne, situated on trade routes, with its bustling monastery and entrepreneurial endeavors was too crowded for him, and he eventually withdrew to live in hermitage on the isolated island of Farne.  In preparation, I’d read two early biographies—one by an anonymous monk in Cuthbert’s community and the other by Bede—and was, therefore, familiar with stories that have become iconic:  Cuthbert’s vision of Aidan’s soul ascending; Cuthbert’s study of John’s gospel with his friend, the Abbot Boisil, who was dying of plague; Cuthbert’s ministering to an angel; his unconcern about food while walking great distances; the ways that animals—eagles and otters—tended to his needs; and, finally, his setting off for Farne in a December storm to be in hermitage before he died.  I set off from the U.S., touched down in the UK, and stepped off the red bus in Melrose, knowing some things but in the dark about so many more.  At best, I hoped to converse with Cuthbert, hoped that by walking in places he knew or maybe by just walking a long distance (something new for me that was perfectly normal for him), I would learn a way that would make me new and that could teach me something about he spirituality of this early Celtic Christian whose gentleness and affability made him the Church’s choice for spreading the new Roman rite.

            Stone crosses were erected all over Northumberland to remind people that the whole landscape was holy.  They gave a reverential tone to any and all journeys made on the big pilgrimage that we call life.  Cuthbert was one of the northern saints who spread Christianity by walking and teaching and celebrating mass (hence the pocket-sized altar that was buried with him) as much a part of his intimate belongings as an ivory comb or the small sized version of John’s gospel.  When he arrived in a settlement, people would assemble in tents to hear him read, teach, and heal them by his presence alone.  “But wasn’t he an awfully extreme personality?” asked a dentist I ran into along the Way, presumably thinking about the monk’s desire to live as a hermit.  I doubt this dentist knew the details:  for instance, that on Farne, Cuthbert built the walls of his cell high enough to close out even the beauty of his surroundings so as to concentrate more fully on God.  Despite all of this, I do not think of Cuthbert as extreme.  I feel rather an affinity for him.  He craved solitude.  He knew that there is a richness to solitary existence in which one is connected to trees, plants, hills, birds, and the Creator of all by silken strands of attention, thought, and feeling.  The earth seems to want to be seen and known.  Cuthbert was a witness.  The silent traveler moving through the Borders is also a witness.  Though there are no stone crosses, there are beech trees, butterflies, sweet peas, the Eildon Hills, bridges lost and found, and a hawk that fed me wisdom as surely as an eagle dropped dolphin meat on the seashore for Cuthbert.

            On my pilgrimage, Cuthbert functioned as a guide, a human waymark.  The majority of people in the secular West are not capable of affirming real experiences that connect us to the natural world and its inhabitants.  I could not post on Facebook that I’d met an angel, that sweet peas cheered me on, that I saw my mother’s hands in the moss-covered gnarled roots of an ancient beech near Lilliard’s stone, the tree dead and alive at the same time.  But walking with Cuthbert gave me someone who had had similar experiences.  I could set my own against the stories others told about his and felt less crazy or less alone.  Maybe you are laughing or feeling skeptical.  If so, consider that most Americans fear being alone with their thoughts for more than six minutes.  Few would walk 70 miles alone in wild places and like it.  And most are frighted with the false fires of distraction.  “He will heal all those in need” read the window in the tiny church in Maxton.  A woman I met contacted the pastor of a tiny stone church that was legendarily established by Cuthbert; and Reverend Sheila opened the church so I could see the Hebrew inscriptions I’d read about.  In one of the windows was the verse, “he healed them that had need of healing.”  “The key word is need,” said the woman I’d met.  Most people are not aware that they need healing and help.  She is right.  Wrapped up in our comforts with the whole world seemingly available at the touch of a button, we really don’t need anything.  In America you hear people say as a matter of course that we live in our own private “bubbles.”  A sign on the pub door in Fenwick said “Turn off your phone and talk to your neighbor.”  The first step of any walk is to become aware that you need something whether it’s as little as clarity, fresh air, relaxation, the sensory awareness of your body in motion or as much as connection and inspiration.

            The map I was using indicated that the first day would be the longest day.  Melrose to Jedburgh is 15 miles, and the way passed through many small villages and made many twists and turns:  up the Eildon Hills, along the River Tweed, and finally down the meadow path that followed the old Roman Road to another river and bridge.  How would I manage it?  On top of that, it was showering just before I started off.  “What will I do?”  “Bring an upbrella,” quipped the husband at the B&B who’d cooked my breakfast.  “Got one,” I said.  “No, I’m jokin.  Not a tough lady walker like you.  No.  That’s just not done.”  So stuffing my rain poncho in my pack, I set off and the rain stopped.  The first real difficulty I faced was psychological:  leaving comforts and security.  A warm, dry B&B and my big duffel bag that contained dry clothes for all occasions and an extra water bottle.  Without it, I had to make do with what I had.  Looking up into the misty, dark, conical Eildon Hills, I set off.  The whole steep ascent, step by step, I was getting used to the tingle of fear and letting it become excitement.  I was finding my walking rhythm.  I was opening my eyes and ears to all that was going on around me.  Straight up the red path into hills that were once, in the ancient past, volcanoes but are now heather-covered, I passed fireweed, a lone foxglove, protective ewes with their big lambs.  I began to see heather but kept my eyes on the summits and imagined the legends I’d read about fairies that lived under these hills.  My mind began to loosen up with my muscles, and I was growing less self-conscious with each step.

            On the back side of the hills, I descended into woods and heard a chorus of birds.  At first I thought they were mourning doves, but the song was four-noted and energetic:  Hoo, Hoo, hoohoo.  I heard the flap of wings.  These were large blue-gray birds with white rings around their necks and white bands on their wings.  I supposed they were a kind of pigeon but so very different from the grimy birds at home that scavenge in cities.  These were fat, wild-looking, and choral!!!  Listening became my practice.  Listening and noticing and so long as I was engaged I was no longer frightened, and I was aware of how good it felt to travel without the burden of a bag even if I got wet or ran out of water or needed food.  I began to trust that what was in my small pack would suffice.  Happily, I took all the detours one of which was to Dryburgh Abbey, and along the way—a detour within a detour—I chanced upon a “Temple to the Muses” constructed to honor James Thomson, the Borders poet born around 1700, who loved the natural world and who, according to the plaque, is considered a proto-Romantic.  Also on the plaque was an excerpt from his poem, “Spring” (1728):

                                                            Thus the glad skies,

                                    The wide-rejoicing earth, the woods, the streams

                                    With every life they hold, down to the flower

                                    That paints the lonely vale, or insect-wing

                                    Waved o’er the shepherd’s slumber, touch the mind,

                                    To nature tuned, with a light-flying hand

                                    Invisible, quick-urging through the nerves

                                    The glittering spirits in a flood of day.

I meandered through the Abbey, talked to everyone I met.  Along the Tweed, I stopped to sketch the Eildon Hill that I’d walked around, and in a kind of ecstatic state, I jotted down my own simple “poem.”

I ate the fruit of the forest

I felt light rain on my skin

Heard the rhythmic chant of wood doves

My soul is alive again.

The only time I felt lonely was going into a coffee shop in St. Boswell’s where the colognes and fine clothing of people out with families and friends on a Sunday afternoon accented the wild mess I’d become.  I took my soup and juice and fled to the riverside.  Finding a bench along the Way, I befriended a cat, and then, along came a equally odd looking woman all in blue, veiled, carrying a white cat, who she called “Elijah,” in a sling.  A chocolate lab walked next to her. 

            Because the pilgrimage felt, in part, about finding a way to have a voice and finding a way that responded to a call, I marveled at the fluent prophecies that poured effortlessly forth from this very odd young woman if woman is what she was.  “Yes, he [speaking about Elijah’ has eyes of two different colors.  That’s for Elijah and Elisha and because God wants us to join together.  She spoke about covenant and Mary as the arc of the new covenant who birthed Jesus, who is returning soon.  There have been signs in Jerusalem:  three extra stars in Leo, and next year is 2020.”  She told a story about swimming to the bottom of the Tweed and pulling up 12 stones and carrying them in her rucksack—“for the twelve tribes of Israel and because Scotland must be unified.  And it will be, she predicted, “because (it’s a secret) but Robert the Bruce’s heart has been dug up and reburied in Jerusalem.  This is the only way for Scotland to be renewed.  I have given my whole self to Jesus.”  When I asked her about the Hebrew inscriptions in the parish church in Maxton—along the route, she gave me her cell number and said to call when I arrived.  She would ring up the Reverend Sheila and see if she would open the church.  When we parted ways, she prayed that God would open my eyes and ears and that my spiritual pilgrimage would be fruitful.  As I continued pushing my way through the grasses and tangled plant life along the river, I thought about Cuthbert.  When he decided to enter the monastery at Melrose, the first “job” he was given was to offer hospitality to strangers.  On one occasion, a worn-out man arrived and was fed, his feet washed, and he was given a place to rest.  Overnight it snowed, and the guest arose and departed early, leaving no tracks in the soft snow.  Cuthbert felt—“felt” is too weak a word—he knew with his heart that this was an angel.  I wondered about Gabrielle Mary. 

            The path eventually wound round behind the gray stone church, and I could see two women (one veiled with a blue scarf—Gabrielle!—and another with bright gold hair almost like a halo).  They were obviously waiting to welcome me.  I called, but they didn’t hear, and I walked along the wall and entered the gate.  Gabrielle came forward holding out a white rose whose stem and leaves were wrapped in a blue bag.  “It’s a thornless rose.”  It is Jesus saying something about you.”  “St. Cuthbert’s Church at Mackistun” first appears in the records some 500 years after the time of Cuthbert, but like several of the auld kirks on the way, it could have been served from Old Melrose and maybe even by Cuthbert himself.  The Hebrew writing on the way—way up high—are verses from the psalms:  “Blessed are the people that know the joyful sound” and “Come let us worship and bow down.”  The women didn’t know what the inscriptions meant, but Gabrielle—ever sensitive to names—talked about my name Mary Jo … “Joseph, John, mercy.”  She said that Sheila was connected to the Hebrew word, “shelah” (I think it is really “selah”), but she understood it to mean “pause, pause, take it all in” and told a funny story about immersing herself in a pool on top of Mount Sion and being watched by a proper rabbi (or was it a hermit) who called to all passersby, “shelah, shelah!”  When we parted, she kissed me on the lips, and I left, clutching my white thornless rose.  Was this some kind of annunciation?  I felt I was being called to look and listen very closely—to see all phenomenon as gifts, signs, or messages.  The angel Gabriel approached Mary with a lily, and all annunciations are invitations to trust in something that sounds impossible or preposterous.  “Let it be done to me.”  Later that evening, I texted Gabrielle (she’d given me her cell number) to thank her for the kindness, but she never replied which, once again, made me wonder about who or what she was. 

            When I think about my experience placed next to Cuthbert’s, I have to wonder what enabled him to feel that the guest he welcomed was an angel.  Certainly, there could have been naturalistic explanations for the lack of footprints in the snow, yet Bede researched the life and the incident stands as one of the first stations in Cuthbert’s holy life.  When I stood with Gabrielle and Sheila in Maxton Church, she spoke about angels.  “They are all around us.  I saw a huge one once just before a storm when I was trying to visit my mother.”  I asked the two women if they’d heard the thunder.  I’d been hearing it all afternoon in the clouds over the river.  Thunder but no rain.  “I didn’t hear thunder.  Listen, God is speaking to you,” was what Gabrielle said.  But there was actual thunder, and it was confirmed by several trout fishermen I passed.  Still, there was the moment a white bird with an enormous wingspan took off just as I’d passed under the branch on which he was perched.  There was the fact that I’d somehow made it on foot 20 miles to Jeburgh just before the hostess of the B&B was going to call the police because “it’s nearly twelve hours since you set out, and you are walking alone.”  Things happen.  “There are things happening all around us and we don’t know what they are.”  This observation made by my skeptical dentist friend serves as a kind of secular credo and mantra for my journey.  Neither he nor we know anything much about the natural let alone the supernatural world, and my feeling, my strong feeling, my faith is that these levels of experience interpenetrate.  Didn’t God “prepare” a great fish to swallow Jonah?  Didn’t he speak to the gourd to enlist its help in teaching his prophet a lesson in mercy?  Maybe the early and medieval Christians were wiser than we in reading the created world as a book or a story.  If so, how poverty-stricken we moderns are who don’t even read books anymore. 

            To read the world’s book, you must step out and walk.  A story unfolds.  The walker must tell it or sing it, but it is a joint creation that is both yours and the world’s.  The anonymous Life of Cuthbert gives us a tiny glimpse of a musical procession along the banks of the Tweed.  Cuthbert had been invited to the village of a man called Sibba who lived somewhere beside the river.  He arrived “with a company of people,” singing as they walked.  They were singing psalms and hymns.  A few years later, in 680, a herdsman called Caedmon would begin composing beautiful hymns in Old English, much to everyone’s surprise, including his own.  Cademon was one of those people who are convinced that they can’t sing.  Whenever party pieces were called for, Cademon would slip away.  One night, he went out to the byre to feed the beasts and fell asleep there.  A man came to him in his dreams, called him by name and asked him for a song.  “I don’t know how to sing,” said Caedmon, “that’s why I left the feast.”  “But you shall sing for me,” said the man.  “What shall I sing about?”  “Sing about the Creation of things,” said the man.  And Caedmon began to sing—in his own voice—a song he had never heard before.

            I wandered into Jedburgh shattered on a Sunday night.  It was dark and raining lightly.  The pubs weren’t serving food and, worst of all, I’d forgotten the name of the place I was staying.  Panic set in.  My bag had been delivered to the B&B whose name I’d forgotten.  How would I find it?  But my confusion—delirium even—came out of a total loss of concern about where I’d sleep or what I’d eat.  And it was, I think, a sign that I was really truly on the way.  There had been a moment along the old Roman road when I wanted to lay down in the deep grass, under the sacred protector tree (whose name remains a mystery) and pass the night in wonder.  Perhaps I was living the parable of hidden treasure from Matthew 13:  “The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field.  When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.”  Even on my first day out, I knew that there was something challenging but immensely valuable about the project of pilgrimage, and it was even linked in some way to Jesus’ use of the parable as a teaching tool.  What is the treasure hidden in the field?  How is it comparable to the kingdom of Heaven?  Jesus, who Cuthbert followed closely, walked, walked everywhere; and he, too, sought places of solitary prayer and contemplation.  Perhaps even Jesus’s teaching grew out of the ecstasy of dreaming on foot.  And maybe the kingdom of Heaven is knowing the field from the inside out … the topographic sublime.